Mental Decay in the Sunshine State

If this isn't THE most scandalous blog you ever read.... swinging sex, bisexual relationships, group orgies, pharmacologically-induced states.... wait, are we still in the 60's?

I fell in with a bunch of new hippies I think. Stoned but highly intelligent, soul-rich, money poor, open & accepting, but with a twist of Elitism. From living on a tropical island with 1 person, to camping in the most extreme environment of the Nevada desert with 35,000 people... read on, it's NOT pretty.

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Monday, September 15th 2008

09:43:01 PM

WHY DO I DO THIS???

Mood: confused
Weather: hot

Things are going well, so why do I feel crap??

I got a reflexology appointment referral today, so that's money, so why am I not happy about it? Probably because I'm nervous that I haven't done it in a while, and this lady has been for reflexology before. It's like... pretending to know another language, but really only being able to speak a few words, like you're afraid of someone thinking you are a phony.

Then I was supposed to go and watch a play that SP is in tonight, but 15 mins before I left, I just decided I didn't want to go. WHY???

I am letting so many people down. Not like I had anything better to do... it's weird, I've done this before... It's like I'm AFRAID of being bored.

I did it on Saturday too, said I was too hung over from Friday to go to Earth Dance in Miami on Saturday with SP and some others. I just didn't want to go. Can't explain why.

So now of course I'm pissed off with myself and tyring hard NOT to beat myself up about it. I am so full of good advice for other people, why can't I take it myself? Like SP not listening to HIS own advice too !

The only things I go to, even if I want to or not, is my hair appointments and my chiropractor appointments, although I have been known to cancel the chiropractor about twice.

So, I seem to just decide last minute to NOT go to things that I would ENJOY...?? How does that make any sense? I remember talking to the Psych about this before. She said something about me not thinking I deserve to go and have fun. I WANT fun and to do new things... so that makes no sense either.

Why would I rather stay home alone, while SP is out enjoying himself, or even when I have a girls nite, I cancel it.

What is WRONG with me??

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